I feel so dirty

I did something horrible today...I used a sex toy... on my sore muscles!! And I know, it was just wrong! My poor little bullet, she probably had no idea what was going on! Who does that!! Gawd, I am gross.

Here is a list of things that I have wanted to shout at people today:

1.WHY DO YOU GIVE A FUCK IF MY SON IMPALES HIMSELF!?!? I AM HIS MOM, I GOT IT.


2.WHY DO YOU CARE HOW I SPELL, OR HOW FUCKED UP MY GRAMMAR IS? GET A LIFE.


3.NO, I WILL NOT WATCH YOUR KID.

List of nice things I did today without yelling, or even wanting to yell.

1. Offered to save a spot in step class for some lady I don't even know, so she stops getting the stink eye from all the old biddys who dot remember what in means to have to drop 3 different kids off at 3 different schools across town, cause their eggs (and vaginas apparently) are all dried up and it makes 'em grumpy....got dangerously close to wanting to yell there.

2. Offered an old bitty to go in front of my in the checkout line.

3. Dint tell that guy who worried about my son impaling himself on the fence to "mind his own mother fucking business"


so ya see, the good for sure cancelled out the bad.

Now I better go give that bullet what she was after, I dont want you guys to think I am some kind of pervy weirdo.

On trying to turn my son gay.

I have my 3 year old son totally turned on to Glee. Well, kind of, we just fast forward through all the bullshit, and have a dance off during the singing parts.

I think if there is an opposite of homophobe, I am it. I totally want one of my sons to be gay. I really want someone to go get manis and pedis and swishy lunches with. Now I know, really, there is no way I can 'turn' my son gay, but dammit, I am trying like hell. Her are the methods I have applied thus far:

1. Watching Glee together

2. Painting his finger and toe nails

3. Reading him Martha Stewart Magazine

4. Frosting his tips

5. Giving him appletinis in his sippy cup

6. Dressing him in skinny jeans

7. Forbidding sports

8. Teaching him how to highlight his cheek bones

I am TOTALLY open to suggestions though! If you have any ideas I could use, Id love to hear them.

Mock Letter to Parents Mag.

Dear Parents magazine,

I have been a faithful reader (leafing through in Dentist Offices) of your magazine for the last, well 5 years, since I had my first child. And I really have to tell you how much you magazine blows goats. It seems that every article on discipline is written by some 'happy pilled' up Stepford Mom. My recent favorite is an article entitled "Who Gives a Shit about This Article" by Betty Prude-Fuckoff. In which a conversation takes place between a mother and a child, aged 3-5.

Child: I HATE you mom! You are Stupid!
Mom: Why don't you re-think the way you want to phrase that child, we don't talk like that in this house.

Really?! The same conversation in my house:

Child: I HATE you mom! You are Stupid!
Mom: I’m stupid? Go to your room.
Child: I don't wanna!
Mom: I don't care, go to your room or Ill drag you there.
Child: whaaaaaaa! Whaaaa Whaaa Whaaaaa!
Mom: (Dragging child to room) You stay there till I say you can come out! Ha! Call me stupid, you can kiss my big brown eye Child!

(And your thinking, "Did she just tell her 5 year old to kiss her big brown eye?". And the answer is, "yes, yes I did". Because once you start telling them they don't have to kiss your big brown eye, it’s all over. Trust me on this one. One day your all like "Oh no little Scotty! Of course you don't have to kiss my big brown eye!" And the next day, there's little Scotty, taking a shit on your living room floor. Trust me, I’ve seen it happen. ‘Cause ya see people, it’s all about

r-e-s-p-e-c-t.)

Another article I found particularly interesting, was in your August 2009 issue. This little gem was all about stopping a 2 year old from throwing a tantrum. When the tantrum ensues, we are to, as all good parents should, ask our 2 year WHATS REALLY BOTHERING THEM. As every parent of a 2 year old knows, they respond so well to thoughtful, questions about how they are really feeling.

In closing I would like to say 'Thank You' Parents magazine, for trying to make me feel totally inadequate as a parent, and like a complete asshole when all I am trying to do is get through the day. Also, I would like to note that you have many fun looking craft ideas, and some decent looking recipes, but I will never do any of them, because, well, because fuck you, Parents magazine, that's why.

I would rather pluck out my pubes than watch "Valentines Day." Seriously, if I ever rent that lame ass, looking bullshit movie, about "relationship-y" looking bullshit, that makes all of us women look like little bitches, you have my permission to slap me, like the bitch I am, for watching it. Sooooooo, probably next weekend when there's nothing else at Redbox... (hangs head in shame)

Now Sex in The City, that's a different story!! I will prance off to see Sex in The City with sparkly pink toenails, a gin buzz, and the and skanky shoes (when combined with the gin buzz and the prancing will most likely land me flat on my ass). The difference? Samantha. That bitch is a smutty whore. And that is rad, and I am pretty sure we saw some dick in SITC I. I think it was just a little side profile dick, but still, oh! and there were boobies, for sure. So I guess it really comes down to the rating system. I have become such a hardened hag, if its not at least 'R', I don't wanna see it. Not that I am in to porn, guys, for real, trust me, ask my husband, he wishes, but there is something so exciting about seeing some titty-balls or shlong up on the big screen where its not suppose to be unless your in one of those (fight the urge to add Pee Wee Herman reference here) theaters. Mother fucker, now I want some popcorn.

The point bitches, and dudes? I don't know, naked body parts, and cuss words are more entertaining than romance? Hang on, my boner's showing. Yea right! Dudes don't watch Sex in The City! Hahahaha!! Hang on, gotta put my miniature penis nub away.

J-O-B

It is coming to my attention that I need some sort of job. Here is pretty much what I am looking for:

A) I dont really want to do much work

B) I am actually trying to get out of the work I have to do

C) Something, that when invited to a 'Volunteer Tea', or when asked to volunteer for some goddamn thing in the first place (dont even get me started on how volunteering is not even voluntary anymore) I can say "Oh, sorry, I have to work! Really Id LOVE to, but..." (shrugging shoulders, and shaking head)

D) If there is ANY way I can tell people to "Fuck Off", that would be tits.

I know its super cool that I get to * stay home with my kids and all, but you know the grass is always greener. I mean I know having a job blows (almost said blow jobs:)).

I use to work, I remember, have to do stupid shit for some asshole boss all day, its crap. But having to do stupid shit all day for a tiny asshole boss with boogers all over his face, or a bigger boss, that you have to fuck at the end of the day (not that Idont enjoy fucking my boss at the end of the day, I do! Really, I am just sure there are women out there who are all like "MAN, this asshole AGAIN!" Like if hes one of those husbands who expects "dinner" on the table or, the house to be "clean" or some shit, or if he has a small dick, or dosent know how to stimulate the clitoris properly, I dont know, I am just sayin', me on the other hand, cant get enough boss fucking.)

Where was I, ok, well the point is, if you happen to know of an opening in the "telling people to Fuck Off field" hook a sista up.

*dosent have the earning power to make enough money to pay for daycare.**

** didnt go to collage.***

***cant spell.