Mock Letter to Parents Mag.

Dear Parents magazine,

I have been a faithful reader (leafing through in Dentist Offices) of your magazine for the last, well 5 years, since I had my first child. And I really have to tell you how much you magazine blows goats. It seems that every article on discipline is written by some 'happy pilled' up Stepford Mom. My recent favorite is an article entitled "Who Gives a Shit about This Article" by Betty Prude-Fuckoff. In which a conversation takes place between a mother and a child, aged 3-5.

Child: I HATE you mom! You are Stupid!
Mom: Why don't you re-think the way you want to phrase that child, we don't talk like that in this house.

Really?! The same conversation in my house:

Child: I HATE you mom! You are Stupid!
Mom: I’m stupid? Go to your room.
Child: I don't wanna!
Mom: I don't care, go to your room or Ill drag you there.
Child: whaaaaaaa! Whaaaa Whaaa Whaaaaa!
Mom: (Dragging child to room) You stay there till I say you can come out! Ha! Call me stupid, you can kiss my big brown eye Child!

(And your thinking, "Did she just tell her 5 year old to kiss her big brown eye?". And the answer is, "yes, yes I did". Because once you start telling them they don't have to kiss your big brown eye, it’s all over. Trust me on this one. One day your all like "Oh no little Scotty! Of course you don't have to kiss my big brown eye!" And the next day, there's little Scotty, taking a shit on your living room floor. Trust me, I’ve seen it happen. ‘Cause ya see people, it’s all about

r-e-s-p-e-c-t.)

Another article I found particularly interesting, was in your August 2009 issue. This little gem was all about stopping a 2 year old from throwing a tantrum. When the tantrum ensues, we are to, as all good parents should, ask our 2 year WHATS REALLY BOTHERING THEM. As every parent of a 2 year old knows, they respond so well to thoughtful, questions about how they are really feeling.

In closing I would like to say 'Thank You' Parents magazine, for trying to make me feel totally inadequate as a parent, and like a complete asshole when all I am trying to do is get through the day. Also, I would like to note that you have many fun looking craft ideas, and some decent looking recipes, but I will never do any of them, because, well, because fuck you, Parents magazine, that's why.